Friday, October 24, 2008

Rainy Day & Thoughts

~Sitting on my front porch has become my new favorite thing to do. Today is a rainy day and kinda matches how I am feeling. There are "some days" when I just feel annoyed at the world. Things that I don't normally get bothered by are in my face.
~Had great talk with CBell about men last night. I think I am confused on the idea of Love and the context of it in our society. I want this idea of being "In Love" and all the bliss that surrounds it. Knowing that not every moment of my life is going to extraordinarily high, but the idea of "falling" for someone is appealing. I am torn b.c on one hand I don't want to be alone forever (which is the way things are going right now as I don't have any prospects nor hardly ever do) so I wonder if my standards are too high and/or if this person I have created even exists and one the other hand I don't want to settle, which I am more and more scared of as I get older. I also wonder about Love. I heard a quote by Abraham Lincoln that said, "God created Marriage not for our happiness, but for our holiness." As I am learning, God's definition of love and our definitions are quite different. Love is not always so cheery and blissful. It can be loving to check them into rehab or take away something that is dear. Causing pain can be the by-product to doing what is best for someone. So do I need to be open to loving someone that I don't even like. To be able to make me learn how to love someone and grow closer to God? Crystal brought up a lot of good points about knowing what character qualities are essential. She & I think very very differently so it was a good challenge on both ends. All this is stirred in me b.c there has been a lot of wedding stuff going on around here.
~We have started our Wed night group! It is going to be a learning process for all of us. I feel like it is kinda a quiet group and so I feel like I am boring them. I am letting some thoughts of inadequacy creep in, when all along I knew that the Holy Spirit would be the one to lead it. So just being honest, diligent, and letting God use me is where I need to be.
~I have been learning to sew. Terrifying. I am getting the hang of it. I haven't sewed in ten years. I did make a fabulous dress in high resembled the Coat of Many Colors. I might still wear it if I knew where it went to. I am in the middle of hemming the dress for the wedding. I am pretty scared that it is going to come out terrible. I know that I don't really like things that are painstaking. And this is. I gave up last night and went to bed. So hopefully a more successful day today.
~Looking forward to Nashville.
~I am so humbled by Christ in my life.

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