This has been the reoccurring theme lately. I'll say it out loud. I am not really happy where I am in life. However, I am fully aware that my being happy is not the primary goal of the Creation of the World. And truth be told I am kinda ok with that. I am at a place where I know this feeling of dissatisfaction has the ability to move me towards what I can do to feel fulfilled.
I may pout and whine, but I know the King has my best interest at Heart. It's truly about this process of doing heart surgery. Which is so incredibly painful without anesthetic. My remedy has been the WORD. My head and my heart long/groan even for all that Christ has to say to sink fully into my life/thick skull.
I'm tired of life that is lived w such shallow faith. I long for miracles. I know that I have been disheartened over the last year an a half of asking God for miracles and getting stone cold silence in return. But still I long for those thing. I want to see more redemption around me/but I mostly see my selfishness reflected back at me. I want a life of adventure and fun/instead I can't get around the mundane. I want a family of my own/to adopt even, however I see no hope for this. And yes here I am screaming I WANT.
I WANT to give my life away. Yet I love the comfort of my bed and a proper shower. I do want to know what living life to overflowing feels like. I think I have experienced glimpses of that in my life. It's just not happening right now in my life. As shallow as this comes out I miss feeling that I have done my job with excellence. I feel insanely inept where I am now. Knowing that in my weakness He is strong. But wtf I don't like this feeling and have a struggle to view how I'm revealing God's Glory.
So here's where I am:
HOPE that this life is not all there is. HOPE that I have a new day to begin again. HOPE that I can bare to live life under the forgiveness of our Creator. HOPE that Christ IS doing miraculous things around me/even though I don't have eyes to see them. HOPE for a better day.
PAIN that life is not what I want it to be. PAIN that I open my eyes to daily. PAIN that I see/feel so strongly in the World here and abroad. PAIN I know must be present for me to experience Joy. PAIN in fact that I can't see Christ face to face.....but some day I will.
I see GOD in so many things. I have often felt jealous of those who feel like they can "hear" audible things from God. I don't know that this has happened to me. I see/feel Him in many other ways. I woke up this morning from an extended sleep and felt like I wanted to count some of the ways I see/feel God. Please feel free to add your own.
...I feel God after I wake up for a good solid sleep and I feel rested.
...I feel God when I take long walks in the night, when it's cool and the moonlight is strong.
...I see Him in the generosity of my friends
...I see Him in the generosity of strangers
...I see Him in the faces and interactions with children
...I feel God when I hold my niece and am overwhelmed with love for her
...I feel loved by God when I sell OPP items
...I see God in the creativity that surrounds me
...I feel God when I look at art
...I see God in nature
...I feel God when I'm lost in worship
...I see God when I travel to different countries and see the diversity of cultures
...I feel the goodness of God when I eat a good meal
...I feel God when I'm alone
...I see the attributes of Him when I visit with friends
...I see the Creator God when I spend time inspecting flowers and gardens
...I feel Him when I'm at the ocean
...I see Him when I see people give selflessly of themselves for the benefit of others
...I see God in His faithfulness to His people throughout the ages
...I feel God's pleasure in something that is truly funny
~ For about the past week or so I have been having extreme troubles getting out of bed. I am not quite sure what it is: Depression? Coldness? Work ahead of me? Lazy time of year? I don't know what it is but it's pretty annoying. It's not tiredness b.c most days I sleep til I wake up.
~Heading to Nashville in a few days and I can't wait. Looking forward to a break. Although not looking forward to it being SO cold. Road Trip w brother BJ will be good for me. Seeing old friends up there will be Wonderful too. Plus low key Family time is going to be the Gift of Christmas to ME.
~My NIECE was born this week: AMELIE Rose Roquemore/8.3 pounds/20 1/2"/w a head FULL of dark hair. SO precious. I am obsessed w holding her. I want to be with her always. I must admit that I was pouting a little when I couldn't hold her. Glad she is close by (by close I mean one hour away). Going to have to invest in companies that make gas out of algae. I have full confidence that my Brother and his wife Lee Anne are going to make the best Parents. So proud.
~Started a Tumblr: Follow it here. It's so flippin easy. I don't know why I didn't start this years ago. Love the layout I found and the ease of posting.
~Watched Swing Kids. What a powerful/awesome movie.
~Had an incredible photoshoot this week. Friend Doug photoing, sick location (abandoned Pittsburg Paints shop), Model Paulina w the hotness & Intern - the fabulous Ashley making things go smoothly. THIS I remind myself is what I do this for.....and the giving of course :)
~Met the greatest girl this week. Paulina. Fast Friends and lots of good things to come. Find her fabulous blog here.