Wednesday, May 25, 2011

HOPE & PAIN: That's all we got.

This has been the reoccurring theme lately. I'll say it out loud. I am not really happy where I am in life. However, I am fully aware that my being happy is not the primary goal of the Creation of the World. And truth be told I am kinda ok with that. I am at a place where I know this feeling of dissatisfaction has the ability to move me towards what I can do to feel fulfilled.

I may pout and whine, but I know the King has my best interest at Heart. It's truly about this process of doing heart surgery. Which is so incredibly painful without anesthetic. My remedy has been the WORD. My head and my heart long/groan even for all that Christ has to say to sink fully into my life/thick skull.

I'm tired of life that is lived w such shallow faith. I long for miracles. I know that I have been disheartened over the last year an a half of asking God for miracles and getting stone cold silence in return. But still I long for those thing. I want to see more redemption around me/but I mostly see my selfishness reflected back at me. I want a life of adventure and fun/instead I can't get around the mundane. I want a family of my own/to adopt even, however I see no hope for this. And yes here I am screaming I WANT.

I WANT to give my life away. Yet I love the comfort of my bed and a proper shower. I do want to know what living life to overflowing feels like. I think I have experienced glimpses of that in my life. It's just not happening right now in my life. As shallow as this comes out I miss feeling that I have done my job with excellence. I feel insanely inept where I am now. Knowing that in my weakness He is strong. But wtf I don't like this feeling and have a struggle to view how I'm revealing God's Glory.

So here's where I am:

HOPE that this life is not all there is. HOPE that I have a new day to begin again. HOPE that I can bare to live life under the forgiveness of our Creator. HOPE that Christ IS doing miraculous things around me/even though I don't have eyes to see them. HOPE for a better day.

PAIN that life is not what I want it to be. PAIN that I open my eyes to daily. PAIN that I see/feel so strongly in the World here and abroad. PAIN I know must be present for me to experience Joy. PAIN in fact that I can't see Christ face to face.....but some day I will.

HOPE & PAIN: That's all we got.